By Heather Hein—
Greetings, Loyal Votarists!
And long live “spooky season”! No, I take that back. I actually loathe the terms “spooky season”, “leaf peeping” and “I love fall!” I’ll keep it to the first one for now.
Words matter, my fellow spellcasters. Anyone who’s had an incantation backfire, or who has seen Harry Potter knows the difference between LeviOHsah and LevioSAAH. If one is to spin a good tale in the horror realm, I postulate that one does not want to merely spook their victims (unless they’re grade-schoolers reading Choose Your Own Adventure or Goosebumps.) Our calling is to go farther than that. We should strive to terrify our unsuspecting prey. I want them to be horrified when I propose that parasites may enter the body through their eyeballs and turn them into mad, eye-raking zombies. I want to terrify them with just how awful my Eye of Newt really is. I want them to smell it, taste it, and stand horrified as the resulting brew surrounds them in its thick, cloying mists drifting up from my cauldron.
Words matter, my devoted, attentive loyalists. I believe in spellbooks made of old paper that crumbles around the corners and smells like mummified corpses recently freed from their crypts. I want a guide so old and traditional that it was used long ago; long before I set foot in high school and lay hands on my first copy off a towering stack gifted to each student. In fact, I still use that faded, tattered book of spells to this day. It’s most likely teeming with bookworms or some other dastardly no-see-ums.
Thankfully for you, dedicated disciples of the written word, it is still possible to walk into your local Barnes and Noble (or preferably, a local bookstore) and purchase a copy of Roget’s Thesaurus to have and to hold, to death do you part. Can you use an online thesaurus? Of course. Your coven will not stand in your way. However, consider this: the book isn’t just an alphabetic reference. According to Merriam Webster, High Priestess of Definitions: A thesaurus is “A book of synonyms and a topic dictionary (a compendium of thematically arranged concepts) under one cover.” The internet version is a mockery of true spellwork. Although I like to think of them as a couple, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars, the ugly truth is, they’re inside my backpack at all times, victims of a clever imprisonment and sorcerous subjugation spell. Poor souls.
Word slingers, I beseech you to discover the magical properties of this book in order to find Le mon juste. No, this is not an ingredient in a spell to sour one’s enemy with lemon. This French word means “The right word.” The perfect word. I have poured over these ancient texts many times to create fantastical spells and incantations using the exact word I am looking for, sometimes seeking the aid of that great mystical dictionary to ensure that I haven’t erred so badly that I turn myself into a literary toad.
This is our otherworldly calling. Tossing together the precise elements to create the perfect Word Salad. Brethren and Sistren, we must be cautious and steadfast, lest our spells go wrong and we are devoured by pissed off demons of the underworld. These sublime texts are infallible and at our disposal. Once you discover those precise words you seek, your frightening tome will be elevated to a new level of horrifying, terrifying, mesmerizing, fear-invoking, and anxiety-inspiring (not spooky—please I beg you) work, worthy of being passed on to generations of witchy folk. Never neglect your semantics lest you end up going diagonally into a sinister alley between worlds, instead of the magical street of bookshops and wand shops and confectionaries where you can buy some crazy-ass school supplies. And an Owl as your obligatory familiar.
As I prepare to launch into the hallowed November spellcaster challenge, I will insist on using my unorthodox methods of finding the exact word I’m looking for as I craft a spellbinding account of my latest tale of terror. This mixture of adjectives and verbs and nouns will serve as my “Word Salad” and when I am finished, the spellbook will be rich with perfect words. And a Lovecraftian amount of editing.
Until next time,
Your Friendly Neighborhood Word Witch
HWA Colorado 